So I've been gone for the past 4 months. Im sorry about that. Apart from tackling a very active bipolar brain, I also suffer from scoliosis. I went for surgery, to correct a 50 degree curve in my spine. What was life like before my surgery? Hard. To be in constant pain just because your not sitting correctly on a chair or a sofa, or to stand weird to suit the nature of your curve to avoid pain. What was my current status shortly after I found out about having surgery? Agitated depression. I couldnt hold the thought of being cut open down half the length of my back and singing "I am titanium" for the rest of my life. At this point, I was scared for my recovery, physically and mentally. I had never experienced intense racing thoughts for as long as 2 months. I was prepping myself for July to undergo surgery. For the first time I went to an appointment with my mum to see my psychiatrist and it was then we informed her and my care co-ordinator about the surgery I was about to have. 

Can you believe the nonsense that mixed states in bipolar bring upon you? After 8 weeks of getting a decent job that pays pretty well for a person who doesn’t have to budget on anything, it slipped through my fingers. This evening I got a call:

Employer: Hello, I was just wondering if you were coming into work tomorrow?

Me: Erm, no (Im trying to take control of my life, i have no time for you)

Employer: Because you missed work last week, and i am very disappointed that you didnt even bother to call in.

Me: (Look, stuff you and your poxy job!) Okay then…And your point is?

Employer: You should have called.

Me: Well my contract is ending next Saturday, so I’ll come in when I feel like it.

*Hung up the phone*

Yeah, I most certainly got fired after that, I missed 3 days of work in a row. I got an email later saying that the keys need to be returned and the uniform also.

Ah, here we are. It’s now time for me to introduce the special circle of hell reserved for the manic depressive: the Mixed Episode. Somewhere, it’s become all serious!

A mixed episode (also known as dysphoric mania or, for depression with hypomania, agitated depression) bears a little explanation. It is literally a mix of manic and depressive symptoms at the same time. It’s generally considered as the most dangerous of mood states, being that if you want to kill yourself, you have all the energy and frantic invention necessary at your disposal with which realise that particular dream.

However, few people with bipolar disorder experience these episodes. The reason? It is strictly defined as mania and depression for a week; leaving out hypomania, thus nobody with bipolar II or cyclothymia has ever had a mixed episode. Take it from me, that the DSM-IV needs updating. But lucky me, eh, bipolar I, so, by the DSM-IV rules, anything goes.

After my last blog, looks like crashing into depression is taking longer and approaching closer than I thought. I’m suspended in the manic air space. I did not expect my day to turn out like it did, but I went from waking up depressed-like, being quiet half the morning to having a blast and being all euphoric most of the afternoon to angered, raged and irritated, then came the racy brain and the sudden jolt of energy I thought had finished and the time now is 7:50pm. I seriously have no idea which direction I’m going, and I HATE change. I guess every bipolar despises change because look where I am, in my room, downing a whole lot of Seroquel to put myself to rest.

Let me tell you this now, a dysfunctional sort of family is a trigger. MY trigger. It didnt even take 10 mins for the dysphoric part to kick into action. I’ve been up and down and up and down all day today, rapid cycling is not for me. NOT. I’m FUMING. I mean bloody hell, my mum is pissing me off, my dad pisses me off on a daily basis, my siblings well… I dont even wanna go there. They contribute like 75% towards my mania and 85% towards my depression. They are the reason I close myself away and cut. They get inside my head too much that I feel like exploding. They dont even treat me as family.